She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
