I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
