Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
