Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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