We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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