i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
