Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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