"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
