hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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