I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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