I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
