I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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