you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She bit a glass in half.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize