I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
