im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have post one night stand depression
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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