I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
