they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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