Soap is not a condiment
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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