it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize