If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
