I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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