God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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