Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
