Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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