his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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