The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
