Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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