I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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