I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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