She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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