so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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