Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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