it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
