that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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