A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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