It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
