so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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