i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
