We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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