i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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