And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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