i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i think im in europe. pls send help
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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