She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
