I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
