I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize