If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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