If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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