Where is the hickey?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
