Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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