i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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