We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
