her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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