My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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