I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize