So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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