if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
