my vag is so smooth its legendary
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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