It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
