im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
