But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
how drunk are you?
Several
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
