dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't turn off my feet"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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